Pro-Lifers Want An Impossibility

Recently there has been turmoil in the United States about the touchy subject of abortion. Some citizens are concerned about whether or not the pro-life agenda will succeed in taking away a woman’s right to choose what she does with her body. The question Cockatoo proposes is, “What are the odds?” A Cockatoo correspondent has interviewed theoretical mathematician, Dr. Bruce Wooton, to ask what the statistical probability is in regards to the pro-life movement succeeding.

“Thank you so much for meeting with me again Dr. Wooton!” said the Cockatoo correspondent.

“I’m much obliged. How can I lend you my mathematical expertise today?” inquired Dr. Wooton.

“I was hoping you could break down the mathematic probability of women losing their reproductive rights to the pro-life movement in the United States.”

“Are you being serious?” asked Dr. Wooton.

“Yes Dr. Wooton. Can you break down the odds, or is that beyond your ability?”

“Firstly, there’s no need to get sassy. Secondly, you would have better odds at grabbing the sun out of the sky than prohibiting women’s abortion rights in the states.”

“What do you mean Dr. Wooton?”

“Well, you need a fire proof hand and a very long arm to attempt to grab the sun out of the sky. Then you have the problem of when you reach for the sun, you’re not reaching for the sun. You’re reaching for where the sun was over eight minutes ago.”

“Doc, it’s obviously impossible to grab the sun. I was asking for clarification on what you meant about it being impossible for the pro-life movement to succeed.”

“For starters, I think that everyone is looking at the equation incorrectly. The abortion issue has nothing to do with a woman’s choice about her body, and it has nothing to do with a potential human life. It has everything to with whether or not a woman should be accountable for her actions.”

“Doctor, I have no earthly idea what you mean by that. Please explain.”

“Okay. If a woman gets pregnant and decides to keep the baby, the man that got her pregnant has the legal obligation to pay for that child through the age of eighteen years old. After all, he was responsible for helping make the child, he should be responsible for helping raise the child. The man is accountable for his actions. Are you with me so far?”

“Yes Dr. Wooton, I believe I am.”

“Now, let’s say a woman gets pregnant and decides that she doesn’t want the baby. Then the baby is no longer a baby. It doesn’t matter whether there’s a heartbeat or any other signs of life, it’s a part of that woman’s body and she can abort the pregnancy. She was responsible for helping create the child, but she isn’t responsible for letting the child live, let alone raising the child. Thus, the woman has no accountability. And anyone who knows women, understands how impossible it is to expect women to have accountability. Therefore, you would have better luck trying to grab the sun from the sky.”

“Dr. Wooton, I don’t think you’re being fair. Women who get abortions don’t consider the fetus to be a human life.”

“You’re wrong on that point and I can prove it to you.” “Please do Doctor.”

“If a woman gets pregnant by a stranger in a restaurant bathroom, its not a human life. If a woman gets pregnant by a guy who is hawt as heck but has no future, its not a human life. If a woman bangs thirty guys in a month and doesn’t have a clue who the father might be, its not a human life. Basically, if a woman makes a poor life decision on who she sleeps with, its not a human life. However, if a woman gets pregnant by Leonardo DiCaprio, that baby is a human life before the sperm reaches the egg. That baby is also an eighteen-year meal ticket with surf and turf for breakfast, lunch and dinner and caviar as a midnight snack.”

“I think I get your point Dr. Wooton, but its sexist to imply that women lack accountability, especially with no objective proof.”

“Proof? Here’s some proof. Jeff Bezos, Bill Gates and Arnold Schwarzenegger all cheated on their wives, got divorced, and were considered dogs that couldn’t keep it in their pants. They didn’t make any excuses for their affairs. They were accountable for their infidelity. Will Smith’s wife cheats on him and goes to the red table and talks about her “feelings” and describes what happened as “miniscule.” Will Smith’s wife had zero accountability. So if women don’t have to take any accountability for marital infidelity, why would anyone think that it’s possible to legislate female accountability when it comes to abortions?”

“I have to say Dr. Wooton, you make a convincing argument. I also have to say to our readers that Dr. Wooton’s words do not reflect the views of cockatoonews.com. Thank you for your time, Dr. Wooton!”

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Story by Tom Klingenfuss