Math Professor Fired For Being Sexist

Theoretical Mathematics Professor, Dr. Bruce Wooton, was recently fired from the University of Ithaca for being sexist. Luckily, Cockatoo got an exclusive interview with the Professor on the matter.

“Before we get started, you are aware that what is said in this interview will be published on cockatoonews.com, correct?” asked the Cockatoo investigative reporter.

“Yes, I understand.” Dr. Wooton responded.

“For our readers, can you tell us a little bit about your job as a math professor?”

“Former job.”

“Please excuse me, your former job as a math professor.”

“Well, as a Theoretical Mathematics Professor I would conduct research as well as teach college math courses. The branch of mathematics that I primarily researched was game theory.”

“What do you mean when you say, game theory?”

“Have you ever heard of the prisoner’s dilemma?”

“Yes, I believe I have. If I recall correctly, the prisoner’s dilemma is often times brought up to explain the Nash Equilibrium.”

“Yes! Anyway, that’s the field of study I spend most of my time in, game theory. My most recent work has to do with what I call the Wooton Party Ratio.”

“It’s named after you?”

“Naturally so.”

“What exactly is the Wooton Party Ratio?”

“I’m so glad you asked!”

“It’s kind of my job Dr. Wooton.”

“Well, I’m still glad you asked regardless of what your job is. To understand the Wooton Party Ratio, you must first imagine that you’re at a party.”

“Okay.”

“So now you’re at a party that has music, alcohol, food and people. I want you to focus on the people.”

“Done.”

“Now, there are two types of people at this party; men and women. Since you are a man, you want there to be more women at the party than men. The reason for this, has to do with a larger selection of women for the men at the party. Do you understand so far?”

“Yeah, parties that have thirty guys and five girls are the worst!”

“That’s a good point to leap off from! So, if there are 30 men at the party and 5 women at the party, there are 6 men for every 1 woman at the party, or a 6:1 ratio. That’s not good at all, no guy wants to compete with a minimum of 5 other men for the possibility of 1 woman. The 6:1 ratio at this party in favor of women.”

“I’ve never seen it that way before, but then again, I’m not a math professor. Tell me more.”

“Now, a party that has less men and more women is ideal for the guys at the party. So, let’s say that there’s 20 men at the party and 30 women at the party, which is a 2:3 ratio in the favor of men. On the surface, that’s a good deal for the men because there are more women than men, but it can be even better if some of the men are gay.”

“Now you’ve lost me.”

“Imagine this if you will. There are still 20 men at the party and 30 women at the party, a 2:3 ratio. However, if 10 of the men at the party are gay, then the only men competing for the 30 women are the 10 straight men, making the ratio 1:3, in the favor of men. As far as the 10 gay men, this situation is still good for them as well, because there’s a 1:1 gay man to gay man ratio. In this party scenario of 10 gay men, 10 straight men and 30 straight women, the party is overwhelmingly in the favor of men; both gay and straight.”

“Then a party with more women than men is ideal, but the same party where some of the men are gay is even better, because it benefits all of the men at the party, gay and straight alike.”

“Precisely!”

“What happens if some of the women are lesbians?”

“Lesbians upset natural order of the of the party for men; from a strictly mathematical prospective of course. Take the same numbers; 20 men and 30 women. For the sake of the argument, let’s say that all of the men are straight. That would make a 2:3 ratio in the favor of men. However, if 20 of the 30 women are lesbians, it makes the ratio 2:1 in the favor of women, with the lesbian ratio being 1:1. So, although there are more women at the party, because of the lesbians, there are now 2 straight men for every 1 straight woman at the party.”

“Do you not like lesbians?”

“I don’t like lesbians in a mathematical sense, but on a personal note, I watch Ellen DeGeneres every afternoon.”

“So, this ratio of men to women at a party is the Wooton Party Ratio?”

“Not exactly. The Wooton Party Ratio takes this party scenario and applies to a much larger scale; the planet Earth to be specific. The world is a party and the more women and gay men there are, the better it is for all the straight men that are alive and well. That’s the Wooton Party Ratio.”

“I get what you mean now. So, the college fired you for the Wooton Party Ratio being sexist?”

“No, the college let me off with a warning and told me not to teach it. The college fired me for opening the door for a female colleague, while saying ‘ladies first’ before she walked through the door.”

“Wait, the college fired you for good manners?”

“No, the college fired me for benevolent sexism. Women are strong, capable independent humans that don’t need men to open doors for them, or to do anything else for them as well.”

“Really?”

“Yes, really. Seeing how I’m out of a job, is Cockatoo interested in hiring an employee with a background in theoretical mathematics?”

This Satirical Article is a work of fiction and was uploaded at Cockatoo's secret headquarters, deep within the bowels of the Roman Catacombs.

If you like the work I do here at cockatoonews.com, please consider sharing this story with others. If you want to support my work further, please subscribe for notifications of new stories at https://www.cockatoonews.com/subscribe. Thank you!

Story by Tom Klingenfuss