His Secret To A Happy Marriage

What makes a successful marriage? Eighty-six-year-old widower, Toby Jackson, shares what made his fifty-five-year marriage to his late wife, both happy and successful.

“Hello Toby, I’m so glad you could meet with me today!” said the Cockatoo reporter.

“It’s my pleasure, young sir!” replied Toby.

“Now, it’s my understanding that you were married to your late wife, Ethel, for fifty-five years?”

“Well, a couple months over fifty-five. Ethel passed away roughly one year ago if my memory serves me right.” said Toby.

“My condolences for your loss. I can’t imagine how difficult it must be for you.”

“Pay no mind to it son. I knew she was mortal when I met her, so it came to no surprise when she expired last year.”

“Toby, can you tell me about when you met Ethel?”

“It was a long time ago, but as I can recall she was about twenty-eight and I was round twenty-nine when we met. We had just so happen to sit next to each other on the bus. She looked mighty fine so I got to speaking with her right away. I can’t remember how long we talked, but I can tell you that we both didn’t get off the bus at our stops. From that day forwards we were nearly inseparable, and got married about a year later.” said Toby.

“Wow, you two didn’t waste any time at all!”

“Certainly not, with time and tide being what they are.” answered Toby.

“Now Toby, it’s my understanding that you have a secret to share with us today.”

“I’ve got a good many secrets. What’d be the one you’re referring to?”

“What was the secret to your happy and successful marriage?”

“Well, that would be my double vasectomy.” said Toby.

“Toby, I’m not sure you mean by that.”

“Well, you know the expression, measure once and cut twice.”

“I think the expression is, measure twice and cut once.”

“Not when you’re talking about a double vasectomy it’s not.”

“Toby, how was a ‘double vasectomy’ the secret to your happy and successful marriage?”

“When I met Ethel, she looked mighty fine, as I said before, and I knew instantly that someday I’d marry her. About six months into our relationship, she said that wanted at least two children. At that moment I found myself to be in a bind, because I never wanted to have any children whatsoever, and my beloved Ethel wanted at least two. Now, I didn’t want to lose Ethel on account of me not wanting children, so I told her that I wanted at least four children. Are you with me so far?”

“She wanted two children and you wanted no children. So, you told her that you wanted four children.” replied the Cockatoo reporter.

“That’s right. So anyhow, Ethel was overjoyed about me pretending to want to have children. Not long after that we got engaged, and not longer after we got engaged, I got a double vasectomy. It was the only way I could think of to ensure that we would have no children. Several years after we were married, Ethel became concerned that she might be barren, and wanted see a doctor about the matter. So we went to a doctor that I paid off in advanced, and he told her that she was barren. I made a good show of disbelief and I demanded a second opinion. And so Ethel and I went to another doctor I had already paid off, and he also said she was barren. I was about to make another show of disbelief when Ethel said she wanted to go home. When we got home, she broke out into tears. She wailed about how sorry she was that I would never have any children by her. I embraced her and said, ‘Ethel, I don’t need any kids so long as I has you.’ From that day forward, I was her hero. I stood by her for over five decades, never giving her any guilt about her not bearing children. Our happy and successful marriage would have never happened if it wasn’t for that secret double vasectomy.”

“Toby, you’re an absolutely rancid human being and should be ashamed of yourself. This concludes our interview.”

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Story by Tom Klingenfuss