Man Finds Out He Married A Woman

Early last week 32-year-old Joey Visanger filed for annulment after finding out his wife of 6 hours was in fact a woman. Luckily Cockatoo got an exclusive interview with Joey on the matter.

“I thought that I was marrying a 30-year-old transgender woman, not a biological woman” Joey Visanger said.

“How could you not know she was a biological woman?” asked a Cockatoo reporter.

“I am very old fashioned when it comes to no sex before marriage. I trusted that she was a transgender woman.”

“Did she say she was a transgender woman?”

“She did not.”

“I don’t mean to blame the victim, but why did you assume that she was a transgender woman?”

“Well, she seemed rather masculine and had a face that could easily pass as a man's face. She also preferred the pronoun that transgender women usually prefer.”

“What is the pronoun transgender women usually prefer?”

“She.”

“So, your wife preferred the ‘she’ pronoun, and that’s what led you to believe that she was a transgender woman?”

“And her face looks like a man’s face.”

“Is that the only reason that you thought she was a transgender woman?”

“Well, no. There were other reasons.”

“Can you please elaborate?”

“There were other aspects about her that made her seem like she wasn’t a biological woman.”

“Such as?”

“She has a deep baritone voice and is very flat.”

“You mean she’s flat chested?”

“Yes.”

“How flat is she?”

“I can’t put it into words. I’ve also never seen her wear the color pink. And she never complained that I didn’t put down the toilet seat when she visited me.”

“Really?”

“Yes, but there’s more than that.”

“Do tell!”

“She was really bad at putting on make-up and would wear white after Labor Day.”

“Shocking!”

“There was one last thing that made it appear like she wasn’t a biological woman.”

“And that is?”

“She has no gaydar.”

“And by gaydar, you mean that she can't tell if a man is gay?”

“Yes. She has absolutely no idea whether or not a man is gay.”

“How did you find out that she has no gaydar?”

“Well, for one thing she never asked me if I was gay.”

“What do you mean?”

“Ever since I was in high school, every biological woman that I’ve ever met has asked me if I was gay.”

“Are you gay?”

“See! Even you have better gaydar than her!”

“So, to be clear, you’re gay?”

“Yeah I’m gay.”

“You mean like homosexual gay, not like happy gay, right?”

“Yes, I’m gay. Why else would a guy want to marry a transgender woman?”

“Your story is starting to make more sense. How long have you been out of the closet?”

“Oh, I’m not out of the closet.”

“So, you’re coming out of the closet right now?”

“Absolutely not!”

“Joey Visanger, why are you telling me that you’re gay then?”

“You’re my therapist.”

“Joey Visanger, I’m an investigative reporter for Cockatoo, an online news site.”

“You didn’t tell me that!”

“Joey, I’m wearing a press badge. I also told you that I work for Cockatoo before we started talking.”

“Wow. You’re not going to report that I’m gay, are you?”

“As a reporter, it is my duty to report the truth. In this case the truth is that you, Joey Visanger, are a gay man that thought he was marrying a transgender woman.”

“You can’t report that without my permission!”

“Joey, you gave me permission when you signed a release before I started asking you questions.”

“Oh. Well you’re no longer welcome in my treehouse. Leave!”

Our investigative reporter left shortly afterwards and returned to Cockatoo's secret headquarters to report this story.

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Story by Tom Klingenfuss