Dog Kidnapped In Florida?

Late last night, in the small town of Winnipeg Florida, a dog went missing. Martha Reichenbach, single mother of one, is the owner of the dog. Luckily, a Cockatoo reporter just so happened to be in Winnipeg and was able to get an exclusive interview with Martha Reichenbach.

“Martha,” said the Cockatoo reporter, “I want to begin by saying I’m sorry that your dog is missing.”

“Thank you for your sympathy.” replied Martha.

“May I ask, what is the dog’s name?”

“His name was Bingo.”

“That’s funny! What was his real name?”

“Bingo.”

“Really? His name was Bingo?”

“Yes! I’ll spell it out for you. B-I-N-G-O. Bingo was his name!”

“Oh, I see. How old is Bingo?”

“In human years or dog years?”

“Let’s go with dog years.”

“Bingo was 5 years young.”

“Were you and Bingo close?”

“He was an animal. Can anyone truly be close to an animal?”

“So, is that a no?”

“Yes, it’s a no. When you grow up on a farm you learn to not let yourself get close to the animals.”

“You grew up on a farm?”

“Yes, you idiot!”

“There’s no need to be hostile Ma’am.”

“I’m not being hostile! My dog Bingo was kidnapped!”

“Bingo was kidnapped?”

“Yes.”

“What lead you to believe that Bingo was kidnapped?”

“I don’t believe he was kidnapped. I know he was kidnapped.”

“But how do you know he was kidnapped.”

“I’m a mother, and a mother knows.”

“Ok. Was there a ransom note?”

“No and I don’t think there will be.”

“Why do you think there won’t be a ransom note?”

“There’s never been a ransom note before.”

“Ma’am, do you mean to tell me that this isn’t the first time you’ve had a dog that’s been kidnapped?”

“Yes. Bingo is the third dog to be kidnapped and the twelfth pet to be kidnapped since I've been an adult. The other pets were four cats, two teacup pigs and three teriyaki salmon.”

“That’s a lot of pets that have been kidnapped! I’m so sorry to hear that.”

“Thank you for your sympathy.”

“You said these pets were kidnapped since you’ve been an adult. Did you have any pets kidnapped when you were a child?”

“As a matter of fact, I did.”

“Would you care to elaborate?”

“There’s not much to elaborate on. I grew up on a farm. Animals were constantly being kidnapped.”

“When you say animals, do you mean pets like dogs and cats? Or do you mean animals like cows, pigs and sheep?”

“Both actually. There’s really no difference between animals and pets. It’s more of a mindset really. Although I will admit that they tend to taste differently.”

“What do you mean by ‘taste differently’?”

“It’s quite simple. Pigs tend to taste like bacon, cows tend to taste like hamburger, sheep tend to taste like lamb chops and for some reason dogs seems to taste just like chicken.”

“Whoa! Martha, I’m starting to get the feeling that when you say your dog was kidnapped, you mean that you killed your dog and ate him. Tell me it’s not true?”

“It’s not true. I slaughtered my dog, just like dad did on the farm, and then I cooked him up after marinating him in ranch dressing and Szechuan sauce for two hours. He was delicious.”

“Martha! I thought your dog was missing, then I thought he was kidnapped, and now you’re telling me you cooked him up and ate him?”

“Yes, all those things are true.”

“How can all those things be true?”

“Well first off Bingo the dog is missing. You’ll never be able to find him. Secondly, my father always said that the farm animals were kidnapped instead of being slaughtered. So, the kidnapped and slaughtered more or less mean the same thing to me. Lastly, I did cook up Bingo, and I did eat him. Do you have any more questions?”

“No, I do not. Thank you for your time Martha.”

Our Cockatoo reporter left shortly afterwards and returned the our secret headquarters under the Pacific Ocean.

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Story by Tom Klingenfuss