Bar Stories #1 Samson and Delilah

A mathematician, a temp and a college student are sitting at a bar, and the mathematician says,

“What kinda work did you do today Larry?”

“Me and another guy were power washing these walls, at some sort of storage unit place. They seemed to like me, so I think the temp agency’s gonna send me back there tomorrow. It’s not as fancy as theoretical mathematics, but it pays.” Larry takes a drink from his beer. “What type of equations have you been screwing with lately?”

“No equations,” said Bruce, “ratios. Well, one ratio in particular. It’s not fully fleshed out, but I’m making some headway. I think I’ll call it ‘The Wooton Party Ratio.’ It basically deals with the guy to girl ratio at a party, but on a global scale involving game theory.”

“Sounds riveting.” Larry replied dryly. “Ben, do ya have any knowledge to drop on us from school?”

“I actually learned something in Theology 101 today.”

“By all means, enlighten us.” said Bruce.

“Professor Jenkins had us in a book of the Bible called Judges. Judges chapter 16 to be precise. It was about this really strong guy named Samson, who was strong because of his long magic hair. I mean, his hair didn’t cast spells or anything, it was just the secret to his strength. If he got a haircut, he would be as weak as any man. I guess you could say it was his Achilles heel. Anyway, Samson was married to this chick called Delilah. Now Delilah wasn’t a gold digger, but she really liked silver and I guess that got around to Samson’s enemies because a bunch of them,” Ben took a few breaths, “a bunch of rulers offered Delilah shekels of silver to find out the secret to Samson’s strength.” Ben took a swig from his mug and continued.

“So, Delilah went to Samson and asked him about the secret to his strength. She figured that since she was his was his wife, she had a right to know. Samson told her,

‘If someone were to tie me up with bowstrings, I’d be weak as any man.’ After Samson went to sleep that night, Delilah tied bowstrings around Samson and invited his enemies into their tent. Then she said,

‘Samson, Samson! The Philistines are upon you!” Samson woke up, broke the bowstrings like they were floss, and beat the crap out of the Philistines. Delilah pretended to be devastated saying,

‘You don’t love me anymore! If you loved me, you would have told me the truth!’ Then Samson was like,

‘I do love you! I’ll prove it to you by telling you the secret to my strength.’ He went on to say something about how being bound with freshly twined ropes would make him ‘as weak as any man.’ It’s needless to say that Delilah betrayed him again. She bound him with freshly twined ropes while he was sleeping and woke him up by saying,

‘Samson, Samson! Your enemies are upon you!” And once again he broke his bindings and defeated his enemies. Delilah started to cry again about how he didn’t love he and stuff. So, Samson lied to her again and said something to the extent of, if someone were to weave his long luscious locks into a loom, that he’d be super weak, like other guys.

“So, it’s no surprise that after Samson fell asleep, Delilah weaved that magnificent mane of his into a loom, whatever a loom is. After she was done weaving, she invited some more bad guys into their tent and said,

‘Samson, Samson! Your enemies are upon, again!’ Samson woke up and annihilated his foes. Delilah started to go into hysterics about how Samson made a fool out of her and lied to her all the time and didn’t love her anymore, but Samson wasn’t buying it this time. I’ll admit that Samson is a bit slow on the draw, but he finally saw through the ruse and he was pissed! He said with clenched teeth,

‘Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on the Philistines. Fool me thrice, shame on someone else other than me.’ Samson wasn’t a strong believer in personal responsibility. He continued, ‘Delilah, I’m never telling you the secret to my strength, because every time I do, enemies end up coming into our tent, and I don’t think it’s a coincidence! I think you have something to do with it.’ Samson then tried to punch a hole in the wall of the tent, but since tents are made of canvas, all he did was collapse the tent. I memorized the next part. In Judges 16:16 it says,

‘With such nagging she prodded him day after day until he was sick to death of it.’ And then he finally told her that secret to his strength, was not getting a haircut. Naturally, she cut his hair after he went to bed and invited his enemies into their tent saying,

‘Samson, Samson! The Philistines are upon you!’ But this time, Samson was as weak as any man and he was captured! The story ends with Delilah getting a bunch of silver and Samson dying after being blinded and tortured by the Philistines. I think he killed a bunch of Philistines while he died, but I was texting some friends in a group chat at that point. Right before class ended, Professor Jenkins said that, ‘The moral of the story, is that if you want to get a man to do something, nag him about it! It’s been Biblically proven to work.’ Then I yelled,

‘No, the moral of the story, is that a man would rather die a torturous death than to be nagged by his wife!’

“Did you really say that in front of the whole class?” asked Bruce. Ben sighed and said,

“No. But I did say it to my friend Devany, and she laughed while shaking her head.”

“Ben,” said Larry, “that story took forever. It was almost worth it though.” Larry grinned, “I’m heading out guys. I’ve gotta get up early tomorrow.” Larry left the bar. Shortly after, Ben and the mathematician followed in suit.

This Digital Story is a work of fiction uploaded from a Cockatoo employee's smartphone, on a ship in the Bermuda Triangle.

If you like the work I do here at cockatoonews.com, please consider sharing this story with others. If you want to support my work further, please subscribe for notifications of new stories at https://www.cockatoonews.com/subscribe. Thank you!

Story by Tom Klingenfuss