Aesop's Fabled Jokes #2 Helen of Troy

“Friend Thomas, what questions dost thou have for me about Helen of Troy?” asked Aesop.

“Well, I’ve always had a theory that Helen wasn’t nearly as beautiful as Homer made her out to be,” I began, “I figured that since Homer was blind, he assumed that Helen was incredibly beautiful because a war was started over her. Am I correct?”

“Thomas thou art humorous beyond measure,” Aesop said while howling with laughter. “Thou art correct in a manner of speaking,” he said. “Helen wasn’t incredibly beautiful by Trojan standards, but she was incredibly beautiful by Spartan standards.”

“What would she rank on a scale from one to ten?” I asked.

“Well, beauty is relative,” Aesop mused, “but in answer to your question, Helen was a Spartan nine and a Trojan five.”

“That doesn’t make sense,” I said with a confused look on my face.

“What is the source of thy confusion?” asked Aesop.

“If Helen was a Trojan five, then why on earth would Paris sleep with her, let alone steal her away to Troy and risk war with the Greeks?”

“Helen of Troy may not have been beautiful,” Aesop began, “but she was cunning! As the true story goes, Paris and Hector traveled to Sparta to have peace talks with Menelaus. The peace talks were short, and a peace treaty was reached within two days of their arrival. It was customary in those days to have an eight-week feast after any treaty was signed. As a matter of fact, people would often sign superfluous treaties just to have an excuse to have an eight-week feast. There was once a treaty signed between Athens and Ithaca, stating that they were in agreement that ‘if a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, it does indeed make a sound.’ That was actually the craziest eight-week feast in all of history.”

“Aesop,” I said, “this is all unnecessary fluff. Please get to the point.”

“Anyway,” Aesop continued, “during the first week of the feast Helen seduced Paris after he had too much wine. When Paris woke up in the morning, he was filled with instant regret and he bade Helen to never speak of that night to anyone. The feast continued and neither of them spoke to anyone about the matter, not even to each other. On the last night of the feast Helen came to Paris and told him that she was with child and that she was going to keep it, all the while knowing that Trojan law required men marry the women they had impregnated.”

“Aesop, are you telling me that Helen low-key baby trapped Paris?” I asked in shock.

“Yes and no. Paris married her that very night while believing that she was with child, but she was not in fact pregnant. She had lied to Paris about being pregnant with his child. Paris didn’t learn the truth until they had been back in Troy for two weeks. By then it was too late as the Greeks were already prepared for war. Homer thought the story would be better received if he said Paris stole Helen because of how beautiful she was. And that is what truly happened.”

I sat in silence for a moment while I digested the tale Aesop told. Then I asked, “What joke do you want me to write following this story?”

Redacted

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Story by Tom Klingenfuss