Juan's House #1 Old As Dirt

Pete, Bill, Juan and Ben are sitting at Juan’s kitchen table playing Texas Hold’em. Right after they finish a hand won by Juan, Pete begins to speak.

“Bill,” said Pete, “Juan said that you and some kid were looking Joycie last week. What was that about?”

“It was about twelve hours of a Summer night that I’ll never get back” replied Bill. “Well,” he continued, “not all twelve hours were night. What I mean is, that some of them occurred with light outside. Are we still playing Texas Hold’em?”

“Of course, we are” said Pete.

“Can’t we play something else, like Low Card in the Hole or No Peak?” complained Bill.

“No Bill,” said Pete, “we’re gonna continue playing Texas Hold’em.”

“I’ve always hated Texas Hold’em,” said Bill. “I think it’s a game that little girls...”

“It’s a game that little girls play, where they share their hand and hope they get lucky.” Ben said as he cut Bill off midsentence.

“Screw you Ben!” barked Bill.

“You’re always sayin the same crap when we play poker Bill. It gets old” said Ben sounding exasperated.

“He’s not wrong” Juan chimed in.

“Thank you Juan!” said Ben.

“I’m with Juan and Ben on this one,” said Pete. “Some of your talking points are as old as dirt.”

“You’re probably right Pete” Bill conceded.

“I always am” said Pete.

“Actually, you’re kinda wrong” Ben said with a matter-of-fact tone.

“What do you mean?” Pete asked with surprise.

“Dirt isn’t old” Ben said confidently.

“Yes, it is” said Pete.

“No, it isn’t” said Ben.

“Yes, it is!” said Pete with his voice going up whole step.

“No, it is not!” Ben said with his voice going up an octave.

“Are you guys actually arguing about whether or not dirt’s old?” Juan asked an incredulous look on his face.

“No,” said Ben, “I’m just correcting Peter about geological science. I passed that college course with an A.”

“Get off your high horse Ben! You didn’t learn a thing in that class” Pete countered. “Just last month you were bragging about how your teacher gave you a good grade because you bribed him with jokes.”

“Well,” Ben said looking less sure of himself, “dirt still isn’t old.”

“You’re a moron,” said Pete. “Let’s just play Texas Hold’em.”

“No way!” Bill exclaimed with a mischievous smirk on his face. “I’m more interested about whether or not dirt is old.”

“You just don’t like Texas Hold’em” Juan accused.

“That’s true,” said Bill, “but I’d like to find out whether or not dirt’s old.”

“It’s not old!” said Ben.

“According to Pete, dirt is old” Bill instigated.

“Don’t encourage them Bill” said Juan.

“Ben,” Bill said ignoring Juan, “can you please enlighten us why dirt isn’t old?”

“Well,” Ben began, “I suppose that some of dirt might be old. But some of dirt is relatively young due to the ocean causing erosion on land, making beaches and such.”

“That’s called sand dipstick!” Pete retorted.

“There’s also the fact that,” Ben floundered, “um, I didn’t really think this through.”

“That truth is definitely self-evident” Pete quipped.

“Well, can you explain why you think dirt’s old?” asked Ben.

“The Earth is billions of years old” Pete said smugly.

“That doesn’t explain why dirt is old” said Ben.

“I watched,” Pete hesitated, “I watched a TV program that said our planet’s name, Earth, means dirt. So, if the Earth is billions of years old, then so is dirt.

“What TV program were you watching?” Juan asked.

“It’s not all that important” said Pete.

“What TV program were you watching?” Juan repeated.

“I’m not sure” Pete said sheepishly. “It was a cartoon I watched in the middle of the night.” The room fell silent for several seconds.

“You’re both complete idiots” Juan said to Ben and Pete.

“I’m sorry Juan,” said Bill, “I really thought this conversation was going somewhere. Let’s just play poker.” Juan began to shuffle the playing cards in agreement, and the night continued without anyone mentioning dirt.

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Story by Tom Klingenfuss